Bryan D. Leys

What Have They Done with Lolana Lamour?


What Have They Done with Lolana Lamour? is a two-act musical screwball farce. Con-women, gangsters and scoundrels meet up in the grand foyer of a Beverly Hills mansion. What they lack in morality they make up for in kookiness. Their irreverent antics weave a tangled web of schemes and song.

Lily White, an aging B-movie actress turned real estate agent stumbles upon the home of screen legend Lolana Lamour. Seeking a listing, Lily is confronted by Blanca Vacuous, a wacky domestic who keeps changing her accent to disguise her nationality. Left alone, Lily explores the hall closet and discovers Rose Black, an old school mate from New Jersey who was caught trying to burgle the place. Once the class valedictorian, Rose has become an accomplished grifter who revels in a life of crime. But the big revelation comes when we learn Lolana Lamour is dead. Blanca and Roddy Bellaire, the movie star’s pretentious male secretary, have accidentally killed her and have stuck her body in the freezer while living rent free and trying to change her will.

The situation is further complicated by the arrival of three gangsters, the notorious Don Silvio Canneloni, his dutiful son, Angelo and their Yale educated leg-breaker, Thrasher Malone. The wheelchair-bound Don is willing to pay one million dollars to meet his favorite Hollywood star. Seizing the opportunity, Rose concocts a scheme where Lily will impersonate Lolana Lamour to collect the million from the Don. The plan goes well until the Don reveals desires of a more intimate nature and threatens to rub out everyone in the mansion unless his requests are met. Along the way, Rose falls in love with Angelo and Lily finds herself pursued by Thrasher. Plots and counter plots are hatched resulting in three Lolana Lamours colliding wild, people in the wrong beds, and a runaway wheelchair.

Cast of Characters - in order of appearance

What Have They Done With Lolana Lamour? requires a cast of seven characters including one dancer.

Lily White (A.K.A. Sarah Palin) Mid 30's, a horror film actress turned real estate agent.
Blanca Vacuous (VA-KOO-US) Housework professional (Maid) to Lolana Lamour. Late twenties, of dubious origin.
Rose Black Mid 30's, professional cat-burglar and scam artist.
Roddy Belaire Personal assistant and former lover of Lolana Lamour.
Don Silvio Cannelloni 70's. Ruthless head of a New Jersey crime family, currently wheelchair bound.
Angelo (Angel) Cannelloni His son, 30's tough but romantic.
Tennyson J. (Thrasher) Malone Family accountant and enforcer to Don Silvio. Rugged looking but immaculate in demeanor and manners.
Lolana Lamour 80's, Frozen.

Music Excerpts